HSantal

Member
  • Content count

    277
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About HSantal

  • Rank
    Pop up Target
  • Birthday 07/26/1955

Contact Methods

  • Steam ID
    STEAM_0:0:1137554
  • Website URL
    http://www.thegamerplanet.com/

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Ontario, Canada

Profile Fields

  • Platform
    PC gamer
  1. I've seen that one before. I saw another one from Samantha Bee's Full Frontal but it wouldn't be allowed here. You can look it up if you like.
  2. Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up." Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests
  3. Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured, he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he asked, " What in the world happened to you?" Russ replied, "I was in jail." "Jail?" Cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Russ said, "You know Sue, that cute sexy little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' " "The damn judge gave me thirty days for lying under oath."
  4. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?" AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
  5. On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass???"
  6. A baby bear started dancing and playing with the flagstick at the Mountainside Golf Course at the Fairmont Hot Springs Resort, BC, Canada http://www.chonday.com/Videos/baybearcigolf2
  7. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!” A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’? Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor”. Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret? Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her. Wife: I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day! Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband – since last week, you are saying “today is a fine day”. I am fed up. What’s the matter? Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……"
  8. That is priceless and I don't have a daughter.
  9. The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did !" Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
  10. A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it; as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. The sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When they saw their father in the coffin one day, they remembered his wish. First it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then came the financial planner, who put a $1,000 bill there, too. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
  11. The speed with which a woman says, "Nothing" when asked what’s wrong, is inversely proportional to the severity of the ###### storm that's coming. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 pounds I've gained. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a big bra and say, "Here, fill this out”? Denny's has a slogan: 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks! On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me – I had no idea I was Japanese. I can't understand why women are okay that J.C. Penney has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor." What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose? When I die, I want to be reincarnated as a spider so I can finally hear a woman say, " Oh, my God, it's huge."
  12. Which of the following names are you familiar with ? 1. Monica Lewinski 2. Bill Clinton 3. Robert Mugabe 4. Adolph Hitler 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Winnie Mandela 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Saddam Hussein 10. Tiger Woods You had trouble with #5? You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, hookers and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??
  13. Why, a lexophile of course! • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. • When chemists die, they barium. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. • All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Velcro - what a rip off! • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
  14. Cute. Or funny. Depending. https://www.youtube.com/embed/6_-xTxP1hD4?autoplay=1
  15. This is pretty good. http://www.buzzfeed.com/kirstenking/this-bad-lip-reading-of-star-wars-will-have-you-cry-laughing#.ag2x8kxdD